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Facebook Rules For Mothers of Teens

I have a lot of my 17 year old sister's friends on my Facebook. I also have some of her friends' mothers, as well as other mothers of teens. Lately, I have come across several cringe-worthy status updates, pictures, or comments from some of these mothers. So! I present to you...

Facebook Rules For Mothers of Teens

1.) Your daughter and her "bestie" are arguing again? Stay out of it. They will likely be friends again tomorrow IF you refrain from telling Facebook how the BFF is just jealous of how gorgeous/awesome/smart your daughter is. When things go beyond typical teenage girl tiffs, by all means, step your daughter and the other teen's parents. Bashing the ex-BFF on Facebook makes you look like an immature bully.

2.) For the love of all things alcoholic, DO NOT duckface. Definitely do not duckface WITH your teen. I don't think this needs further explanation. When you are 40, it isn't cute.

3.) Do not post pictures of your daughter dressed for the club or in her bathing suit while bending over or pushing her boobs together..on your own Facebook. It's weird. When said picture's caption also reads, "Isn't my daughter a HOTTIE???", you start looking like Fancy's mom. For realz. Better yet, if it's meant to be a "sexy" picture, just don't post it.

4.) Save the drama for your mama, not your daughter's mama. If your status CONSISTENTLY reads, "zOMG! Soooo much drama! I will not be a part of this immature crap. Some people REALLY need to grow up!!!!!", we'll all know who REALLY needs to grow up.

5.) Do not add your teen's male friends to your Facebook, then proceed to post "sexy", half-dressed photos of yourself.

6.) Do not share your family drama. It can cause serious embarrassment for your child ("Omg, did you see where Johnny's mom said that his dad is an alcoholic and no good piece of shit?!") and no one wants to read that shit. It embarrasses the rest of us FOR your child.

7.) ~*~{TyPiNg LyKe DiS iS UnAcCePtAbLe.}~*~ Your child's friends might think you are cool. The rest of us will consider shanking you. Also, leave the txt spk 2 ur teen.

8.) Not everyone needs to know that you caught your sweet Sarah blowing her boyfriend instead of doing homework. Seriously, no.

9.) Pictures of you partying with your teen? Yeaaaa...NO. Not cute.

Possibly a more personal one:
10.) Don't taunt your teen's boyfriend or girlfriend with snide remarks. The older sister of your teen's significant other might go all Bon Qui Qui on you.. just sayin'.

Your welcome.

2012 likely will not be "my year"

I woke up on New Year's eve feeling nauseated, shaky, and super nervous. I thought, "This can't be a good sign." My husband showed up at my mom's to pick me up before we hit the road for the long drive back home & says that he is having the same problems. Really, this can't be good. Well, looks like I was right. Between dealing with my daughter's anxiety and other bullshit that has suddenly come up in my life, the year that I thought was going to be full of exciting suddenly looking like it is going to be suckish. Exciting changes are now scary and upsetting changes. I will likely be taking an internet hiatus for as long as I can stand it and that includes blogging. I appreciate those who have faithfully read my ramblings, and hope to one day be back at it. Now is just not the time. I have nothing funny, exciting, or domestic related going on in my life AT ALL these days. There are only so many posts I can make about the silly shit my kids say, so I guess that's it for a while. See you on the flip side!

Undomesticated Housewife's Killah Spinach & Artichoke Dip

Undomesticated Housewife's Killah Spinach & Artichoke Dip
(Do not make unless you have someone to eat it with you. I cannot be held responsible if you eat the whole bowl alone.)

  • 1 10oz box of frozen spinach, thawed and drained
  • 1 14oz can of artichoke hearts, chopped in a food processor
  • 1 8oz container of cream cheese, room temperature
  • 1/4c mayo
  • 1/4c sour cream
  • 1 clove of garlic, minced
  • 1/4-1/2 tsp red pepper (powdered--use desired amount depending on your spiciness preferences)
  • 6oz shredded Parmesan cheese
  • 1/2c shredded Mozzarella cheese, divided
  1. Preheat oven to 350*
  2. Combine cream cheese, mayo, and sour cream until smooth
  3. Stir in garlic and red pepper
  4. Add in Parmesan cheese and 1/4 c of the Mozzarella cheese, combine until well mixed
  5. Mix in artichoke hearts and spinach
  6. Put mixture into a bowl that can be cooked (Pyrex or whatever you've will probably work)
  7. Top with remaining Mozzarella (or more if you'd like)
  8. Bake for approximately 25 minutes or until top begins to turn light golden brown in many spots 

As you can see, my instructions aren't exactly "professional" sounding (if you read them aloud) and I don't have pictures, but whatevs..I really don't think you can screw it up. I might make it this weekend..if I do, I will update with pictures for those of you who NEED them. Anyway, the shit is delish. I promise. Go make it. You, your mouth, and your stomach will thank me.

Emergency (i.e., missing corkscrew) Survival Kit:

just happened.

You're welcome.
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When two people love each other very, very much..they make a baby. Or two.

I know I have been MIA again lately, but..nothing. I have no excuses. Well, I have one..sort of. I intended on this being a light-hearted and somewhat humorous blog (which is why the last post is gone..too much dramaz!), and the truth is: I don't think I'm all that funny that often. Others tend to agree. In fact, my younger sister told me that the first time my dad read this blog, he said something along the lines of, "Huh. I didn't know she could be funny." Thanks, dad.

Annnnyway, I have a lot on my plate right now. Some of it is so top secret that my husband won't let me even talk about it yet. If those who knew me did not know that I wrote this, it wouldn't matter. BUT, I have friends who know and like to use my name when leaving comments or writing on the facebook wall. Thanks, guys! ;) Now that I have gone off on another ADHD tangent, I'll try to get back to what I was saying.

Ahem. I have a lot on my plate right now. I know they say that opposites attract, but that isn't always the case. It isn't in MY case. Aside from politics (SO not going there), my husband and I are pretty similar. We have a similar sense of humor, we like the same music, we were raised with most of the same values..I could go on. We also both suffered from anxiety as children (I still do) and both have pretty severe cases of ADHD. Apparently, when two people like us procreate, they end up with one child with such severe anxiety that she no longer wants to leave the house, and another who will ask you the same question 152 times and still say "What?" each time you answer with the exact same answer..all because there is something shiny in his peripheral prohibiting him from processing that answer.

Right now, the only time The Samurai's issue is REALLY difficult for me to deal with, is when I tell him to go pee after catching him doing the I Need To Potty dance and he comes back soaking wet because, on the way to the bathroom,  he turned into Spiderman and his spidey-sense led him to another room where he had to hurry and defeat some bad guys before he turned into a transformer and had to save the world from a tyrannosaurus rex and OH, LOOK..shiny object!!!

My Sugar Boog's anxiety is a bit more troubling. It is awful for her and, pretty much, for the rest of us, too. Even if it didn't feel like a knife through my heart every time I had to watch her shake, scream, and cry in fear, it would still be difficult. If I don't put her in the cart when we are shopping, she holds onto my jacket or pants so tight that it's hard to move. If I do put her in the cart, she has a meltdown anytime my hands are not on the cart..even if I am staring at her. Do you know how hard it is to shop without being able to remove your hands from the cart? It is Pretty. Damned. Hard. She constantly reminds me that I "have 2 little children and you might lose them if you don't hold onto the buggy!" Thank you, Sugar. I almost forgot that I spent months in agonizing pain before delivering each of you. She can't help it, though. She says she knows I would never lose her, but she can't make her brain stop thinking that I will. Oddly, while that really doesn't make sense, I know exactly what she means. So, yeah, right now, her main fear is--getting lost. Her other fears: being locked in the car or other small areas (like bathroom stalls), being left at home by herself, and lastly--she is terrified that one of her parents will be put in jail. Reading that, you are probably wondering what the hell kind of parents we are to cause her to worry about those things. Really, it's nothing we have done. She has never been lost (she has thought she was, when we were actually standing no more than a foot behind her), I have never locked her in the car or left her there alone, I have never left her home alone, and I've never even gotten a speeding or other traffic violation citation before! I've never even been pulled over for a busted tail light or anything. While I'm not 100% sure where her other fears originated, I DO actually know where her fear of police putting her parents in jail comes from. She told me. It came from "that baby show you were watching where those parents went to jail" (DON'T JUDGE ME!). F#CKING JENELLE AND KIEFFER!! It's my fault. I shouldn't have been watching my guilty-pleasure show in front of the kids. I tried to turn it off, but Sugar wanted to look at the babies. I didn't know this would be the outcome. /facepalm

Sugar hasn't had any major episodes like this is a long time. It has probably been at least 4-6 months.This one is by far the most crippling. She just doesn't want to leave the house, nor does she want anyone else to leave the house. She tells me bye, that she loves me, and reminds me to pick her up 538 times before she will walk into the school each morning and her teachers say she recently started having meltdowns there. Tuesday, she had 4-5 inconsolable meltdowns while there. Makes me really want to pull her out of school. It's just pre-k anyway, right? Anyway, right now, she is at my mom's. They had their Christmas get together with my grandmother yesterday and I didn't want them to have to miss it just because I did. I was terribly worried about how she would do, but she is doing surprisingly well. My mom says the only meltdowns she has are when they are in the car. She doesn't want my mom to get out until Sugar is unbuckled--so she can ensure that she will not be left in the car.

We have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of January. I made sure to be put on the call list in case of any spots opening sooner due to cancellations. Until then, I am instructed to pretty much do what I can, within reason, to appease her. If she doesn't want to leave to have a playdate at her friend's house, she doesn't have to. If she doesn't want to accompany me to the grocery store and another option is available (staying with her father), we will go with the other option. We'll do this until we are told otherwise (IF they tell us otherwise) at her psychiatrist appointment. It might be a long road, but we are going to do everything we can before resorting to medications. In the end, though, if medication is needed to make my sweet girl feel safe and not constantly terrified, medication it is. I just want her to feel safe and secure again!

Alright, enough rambling, too little cleaning. My house is a disaster and I'm about to go all Cracked-Out 50's Housewife Who Also Suffers From OCD on this bitch. It needs it. Bad.

I just realized that I thanked people a lot in this post. Ha! Guess I was feeling thankful. I'm so nice.

Toddlers aren't really "my thing"..

I have decided that I'm not a huge fan of toddlers. Many of them don't talk, they hit, they cannot wipe their own asses, they have no understanding of the word "no", they are messy eaters, they are just messy in general, they hate nap time more than any other age group.. oh, and, they bite. Don't get me wrong, I love toddlers. I just do not always like them. I used to. I used to see a kid aged 4 or under, and immediately wish I could pick it up...without seeming creepy, of course. Now, I keep toddlers in my house everyday. Now, they scare me.

The Hitter: Well.. she hits. All. Day. Long. My other kids are terrified of her. She cannot walk into the room without every kid in there bursting into tears, anticipating getting hit in the face with a car or other hard toy. I have tried redirecting, firmly saying no, time outs...she still hits. She can't talk and some think that she hits because she doesnt know how else to communicate. Well, yeah, she is communicating loud and clear by hitting. She is saying, "I'm a tiny asshole!"

The Pooper: How many times can one kid shit in a day? Well, this kid goes at least 4 times in the short amount of time I have him. I'm not exaggerating. Everything goes STRAIGHT through him. I have a break from keeping him for a while since custody is split between his parents..and thank God. If I had to hear "I'm DONNNNEEEEE!!!" come out of his mouth one more time, I was going to lose it.

The Creeper: This kid creeps me out. He gives me evil glares and is never just.. nice. I try my damnedest to sweetly talk to him and play with him and I just get a cold, mean stare back and a, "NO." He will also kung fu your ass in the face if you even attempt to get him to take a nap. He is completely relentless..he will cry until you finally say, "fuck it" and let him up. On top of everything else, his poop is rancid. I only keep him part-time, but I swear he saves up his shit for me. I can't even double bag the diapers to keep the stench out. I keep a garbage can near me just in case I lose it and puke. RANCID.

The Manipulator: She is such a sweet child. She, however, has some serious, constant demands and follows them up with big puppy dog eyes and a "Pweeeze." Nap time is a bitch with this one. She puckers up and pulls out all the stops. Makes you feel like shit for even considering making her nap. When you deny her requests, she drops to the floor and squalls.

The Baby: I have nothing negative to say. Best baby ever.

In conclusion, I'm an awful person.

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