I'm 0 weeks and craving a more effective way to raise breast cancer awareness.

This was my status message last night. It had 21 "likes" by morning...way more than I could have expected.

Everyone seems to be playing this game:

Hey!! This is what its about...Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! So we all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status?.....or the way we like to have our handbag handy? Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn ! Go on ladies...and let's have all the males guessing! .. It's time to confuse the men again (not that its really that hard to do :)) Everyone knows it makes their brains work wonders on what we're talking about!! The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round all over the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status. Example: Feb 14th= I'm 2 weeks and craving Chocolate mints!!January-1week Febuary-2weeks March-3weeks April-4weeks May-6weeks June-8weeks July-10weeks August-12weeks September-13weeks October-14weeks November-16weeks December-18weeks Days of the month: 1-Skittles 2-Starburst 3-Kit-Kat 4-M&M's 5-Galaxy 6-Crunchie 7-Dairy Milk 8-Lollipop 9-Peanut Butter Cups 10-Meat Balls 11-Twizzlers 12-Bubble Gum 13-Hershey's Kisses 14-Chocolate Mints 15-Twix 16-Resse's Fastbreak 17-Fudge 18-Cherry Jello 19-Milkyway 20-Creme Eggs 21-Pickles 22-Skittles 23-Gummy Bears 24-Gummy Worms 25-Strawberry Pop Tarts 26-Starburst 27-Mini Eggs 28-Kit-Kat Chunkie 29-Double Chocolate Chip Crunchy Cookies 30-Smarties 31-Chocolate Cake

That's fine, whatever.. their facebooks, their lives. I'm not personally hurt or offended by the silliness, but I am lucky not to have lost anyone to breast cancer or suffer from infertility. So, yeah, I won't be playing. At least, no more than I did--with a sarcastic version. I just don't get it. If you are like me and many others, you saw all of your friends announcing pregnancies, knowing they weren't pregnant, and scratched your head. Later, I got the email and was all, "Ohhhh, okay.. wait.. what? What does that have to do with breast cancer? How does tricking people into thinking I'm pregnant raise awareness? I'm not even 'allowed' to tell anyone what it's about, so how am I making anyone aware of breast cancer?" It's strange.

Have you seen this blog post? It's a good read. http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html?spref=fb

Here are my own, personal reasons:

• If my family thought I was pregnant again, they'd probably all be devastated. Not because they do not want more babies in the family, but because another pregnancy could very well end up killing me and, even more likely, kill any babies I became pregnant with. I wouldn't do that to them.

• When I was in high school, I was best friends with "M". Her mother had colon cancer and was always in and out of hospitals for a while. Eventually, she was just cared for at home. I watched this sweet woman, rapidly it seems, lose her battle to cancer. When I would go over to M's on good days, she would call me back to say hello... on bad days, I would hear her moaning in pain from the living room. There was nothing fun or funny about it.

• I have 2 friends, "J" and "L", who are both suffering from infertility. Each badly wants a baby and, after several, several months of J trying for a second child and several years of L trying for her first, neither has had a successful pregnancy. I can't imagine how they feel seeing all the "Gotcha!" pregnancy posts. J not only suffers from infertility, but also lost her mother to breast cancer. I hate to speak for others, but I'm fairly certain that she doesn't find the games beneficial at all, and instead--finds them rather hurtful. I do know for sure that she doesn't like them. The fact that the game has to do with faking a pregnancy just adds insult to injury. Here is another (similar) great post on why this game sucks for the infertile: http://infertility.about.com/b/2011/09/03/im-pregnant-just-kidding-new-facebook-meme-for-breast-cancer-awareness.htm

One of the comments on that article implies that the article is suggesting that you shouldn't even talk about your dinner because someone may be hungry and offended. The f^#k? How does someone get that from the article? I think what it's saying is more along the lines of: If you knowingly have some starving, homeless people on your Facebook (which would be odd, but go with it), it would be flat out evil to be all, "Guess what? I just had an awesome steak dinner in my warm, comfy home!" as a joke.

When you add all of that to the awkward feeling one must get after genuinely congratulating a person they think just announced a pregnancy, only to find that it's a game..well, the game doesn't seem very fun or funny anymore.

I apologize for the fact that this post isn't funny or entertaining..but, you know, neither is cancer. Let's spread some real awareness. Post some links with some real information on breast cancer. Here is one link the has multiple links conveniently pasted on the same page:

http://www.nbcam.org/patient_free_information.cfm

Need more? Let Me Google That For You

Satire:

sat·ire   [sat-ahyuhr]
noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

Please keep in mind, many of my posts are sarcastic. I do not actually think parents who harness are sick people. My children had Elmo and a monkey harness. I travel alone frequently and have 2 children very close in age. There was no way I could have survived without them. I can't carry 2 children, I couldn't fit my double stroller in the trunk with my luggage, and depending on 2 toddlers to hold my hands at all times..is unrealistic. I AM the mom who cares about "petty" things like safety and security over looks and others' opinions. Go ahead, give me a nasty look. I'll just tell my children to start barking at you and have the boy come piss on your leg. ;-)

I can't believe my sarcasm was taken so seriously by so many. Maybe I'll start using the sarcasm/  and  /sarcasm tags.

Edited to add: I was not directing my post towards everyone who  dislikes harnessing for whatever reason, just those who judge other moms for using them and claim we are treating our children like dogs.

My kid ain't no dang dog!!

When it comes to parenting, there are quite a few hot button issues. One of those issues is...are you ready for this?? HARNESSES. I have read a million and one of these debates and always end up mentally giving 75% of participants the Are You Really That Stupid?? look. Still, I have learned a LOT from these debates and I'm here to share it with you, bulletin style. Your welcome.

• Harnessing or leashing your child is treating your child like a dog. You know.. with care, love, and respect. It's disgusting. People leash their dogs to give them freedom to walk while also keeping them safe and in a controlled environment. Children don't need any of that. Strap them down to a chair with wheels, it's clearly more humane.
• Parents that harness are terrible, sick people. They have no regard for image and only concern themselves with petty things, like safety. Wussies. If they had a single shred of self-respect for their child, they would remove the harness and allow the child to look like a decent human being. Seriously, there are more things to worry about than cars and kidnappers.
• Not only are these people not concerned at all with image, they also have no concern for discipline. If your child doesn't walk beside you like a perfect angel or if he/she likes to slip his/her slippery, sweaty hand out of yours, you aren't doing your job. You can TEACH them to stay beside you or to hold your hand at all times a few different ways: 

1. LEAVE. It doesn't matter how much you paid for those Disney World tickets or how much it will suck to walk all the way back to the car when you were only a minute from where you were going, when they disobey and pull away or walk away--you LEAVE. The whole family should suffer until your little devil learns his lesson.
2. BEAT SOME ASS. 'Nuff said. 
3. Natural consequences. This works for SO much and I use it for almost everything. Have I ever told you all about the time The Samurai electrocuted himself? He doesn't play with the outlets anymore!! (Put the phone down, it was really just an accident.. don't call CPS!) You know what else natural consequences works for? Running into the road. Kid runs into the road, kid gets hit, kid won't run into the road again. I promise. Works for kidnapping, too. Ever heard of a kid being kidnapped twice? I haven't. 

•  Most other safety devices are approved by most parents. This can be confusing. Cribs look like baby cages with the bars and all that, but they are fine. Same with playpens. Obviously, treating your child like a pet is fine..just not a pet dog. Strollers? Again, restraining your kid like a criminal or mentally unstable patient by strapping him to a chair with wheels is totally cool. Baby gates are fine, too. Pretty much anything and everything that allows your child to safely explore his or her surroundings is AWESOME, except leashes/harnesses.

Moral of the story: I do not care if your harness looks like this..

unless you want to be one of those disgusting, safety-only concerned sissies, Do. NOT. Harness. Your. Child.

Not now, Mommy is hungover..

I never actually said it, but I felt like saying it. I don't know what happened to me when I popped the kids out, but something definitely happened to my tolerance. Mama can't hang!

Saturday night, we went to a little girl's birthday party across the street. It was a byob, so..we did. If you are wondering why there was alcohol at a child's party, well..you have obviously not been to enough children's parties. I drank my beer and had a great time laughing and cutting up. Everything was going great! I wasn't even feeling all that buzzed and was proud of myself for holding my alcohol so well.






For some reason, after the children were sound asleep, the neighbor and I decided to start taking shots of vodka. My husband was there and sober enough to care for children should they need to be taken care of (he just likes to get me drunk & take advantage of me later)..no worries. Three shots later, I'm on the swing passing out! I'm practically drooling on myself as the neighbor and my husband just sit and chat it up! I remember hearing them, but not being able to respond. Amazingly, 45 minutes later, I wake up perfectly fine..like nothing ever happened! I was still buzzed, but fine.






I partied the rest of the night away and then...I. Woke. Up. Holy headache. The nausea, the spinning, the jittery feeling I just can't shake...it was all too much when 8 am crept around and little feet started pitter pattering through the kitchen and into my room. Shoot me. This is no good. What was I thinking?? Vodka?!? Why can't the kids feed themselves? Why is the room spinning? Why are they so whiney today? Please stop fighting! Please let go of me for just a second, I'm already spinning. Stop touching your sister! Oh, come on! I just fed you! You need a drink, TOO?!? Pleeaasseee! Oh my GOD, what have I done?? I am only 25! Not 45! What HAPPENED to me? Get out of the bathroom before I puke on you!!

To top off my morning, my neighbor sends me a text to ask how I'm feeling. I respond, letting her know that I feel like SHIT. She tells me that SHE has already been up, out of the house, and even exercised. I can't repeat my response. It was (half-jokingly) ugly.

Turning scented candles into wax tarts/wax melts...

My blog really has no single specific focus anymore, so just thought I'd share what I've been doing lately: Turning my old, broken candles..or just candles that smell good and would smell better in a wax warmer..into wax tarts. Sorry, I have nothing funny or witty to share tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be a more humorous day.. we'll see.

 

Things you need: Candle with wick removed, clean soup can, mini muffin pan, pot with about 1.5-2inches of water--boiling. 

Place candle inside of cleaned can. Also, after placing inside, pinch the sides of the can lip to make a spout.

 

 Place can in the boiling water. DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED. Depending on the amount of water in the can, it may move around in the pot.

Once wax is melted, pour into the mini muffin pan. How much you fill it up should depend on how much you wax warmer will hold.

If you are impatient like I am and want your wax to easily come out of the pan, place the pan in the freezer. Allow wax to completely harden in freezer.

Once the wax is completely hardened, turn muffin pan over onto flat surface.

I couldnt get a good picture of this step, but to easily remove the wax, strike the back of each mold with.. something. I used a pair of pliers I had nearby.

This is what you should get..perfect little wax tarts!

 Label a ziplock baggy to store them in. These are the Orange Clove tarts I just finished and some Blueberry Cobbler tarts that I made yesterday. One of my favorite Blueberry Cobbler candles had broken, and that is what inspired me to make these!

Place your wax tart in warmer and ENJOY! 

Your welcome. 

I originally found these directions here:

http://www.allfreecrafts.com/candles/melts.shtml 

I just used scented candles, obviously.

Big boys don't pee in their pants.

I picked Sugar up from school yesterday and, on the drive home, we have this conversation:

 Sugar: (read in a valley girl voice) "Ew. Ew. Ew. Boyfriends are gross. I don't ever want a boyfriend. Disgusting. Ew."

Me: Why do you say that? What happened today?

Sugar: (valley girl voice again, I have no idea where she got that from) "A little boy wants to be my boyfriend. Boyfriends are disgusting. They are sooo gross." (I later find out that he asked to be her boyfriend forever)

Me: "What did he look like?" (hoping to be able to pick him out of her classmates so I know which little asshole is trying to pick up my baby)

Sugar: "I already told you. He looks like a little boy. I don't like little boys. I like big boys. Big boys don't pee in their pants."

Well, can't argue with that!

Exercise is killing me.

Exercise makes me sore. Why would I want to do anything that makes me sore? I like for my muscles to feel nice and relaxed. I'm a good host. It's just who I am.

Exercise makes my heart race. When I go to the doctor, he is usually a little concerned when he checks my pulse and finds that my heart is racing. It must not be a good thing.

Exercise makes it hard for me to breathe. Do I need to explain why that is bad? You can't breathe, you DIE.

Exercise isn't great for my back. I can't do much bending, no twisting, and no lifting heavy shit. My only option I can come up with is some non-twisting dancing. I have no rhythm and have videos to prove it...or just ask Queen of the Couch. It's not good.

Exercise doesn't give me energy like people claim it will. It sucks my energy levels dry. I need my energy. How else will I care for my kids.

Exercise makes me feel like I'm dying. That can't be good.

I'll come up with more convincing excuses later. Until then, I guess I'll have to get back to doing Zumba.